To say I feel like the same person after my first module of my YTT( Yoga Teacher Training) is, well, a big understatement. I was going to write about ‘Let’s talk about.. eating’ as that seems to have (uninvitedly) changed, but today my emotions are going slightly trippy and that is the main theme of my being this evening so let’s talk about that.
Of course essentially I am Charlene, the same person. But during the training I have adjusted my thoughts, ways of being and my mind is also grasping understandings that feel very big to me and hence the trippy head. I feel similar to how I felt when my dad passed away. Why is that? Is that because my ‘old skin’ has passed away? Am I in mourning? Are you reading this thinking oh dear, she’s totally gone in the head. 😀 I don’t blame you if so!! haha.
One of the main themes that I was taught on in those 10 days was to look inward. My teachers meant on the mat (or did they?), but this has caused a chain reaction of mySelf to look inward. Nothing’s terrible in there. It just feels overwhelming to do so. I suppose I’ve spent all my time trying not to look inward. Perhaps I thought that was self-centeredness, to always look inward. Or perhaps I didn’t want to look inward. Maybe I was ‘putting it off’ till another time. Thinking, lets look outward, let’s enjoy life, lets go out there, see all the things you could be doing! All the exciting stuff to be done in the world! Oh my god! What a high! There’s just all and more to do!
Also, life gets in the way. I can’t honestly remember a time when I’ve been so relaxed. Don’t get me wrong, we were worked hard with the yoga and all the mental learning. But relaxed in the sense where my mind and body is freely focusing on one sole thing. There’s always a ton to do. Laundry, dishes. Hoovering. Cleaning. Clothes. Work. Planning. Eating. You feel bad for relaxing. You feel bad for taking time out. Which is the exact thing that we need to do most often. To make sure we spend time with ourselves, to get to know ‘Who are we today?’. Time to take stock of your feelings, your thoughts, your mind, your physical body, your perspectives, your morals. It of course doesn’t have to be this deep. haha. Taking time out also just means perhaps spending an unadulterated afternoon poring over a book in the park and totally enjoying that time. Sitting drawing, with your favourite tea. Listening to the music you love.
It’s totally mad that we don’t take time out. How has it evolved that we feel bad for sitting and taking time to think? The pressures of society of constantly achieving that cumulate over us start taking grip in our own lives, where we start to create this pressure ourselves.
The 10 days really helped me let go of these pressures. And my daily morning practice now I’m home really sets the tone for the whole day. I find myself less distracted by the race to achieving; but rather finding myself enjoying where exactly I am. Trouble binding in supta kurmasana this morning? Ah, nevermind. Can’t shove my arms through for garbha pindasana today? It’s ok, tomorrow is another day. Today, I am here and so I am here. Can this be called a lack of willpower to achieve? The old me would have certainly thought so. The new me, well, she’s content with now being now.